I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize