Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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