Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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