you guys were way drunker than both of me
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
