can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize