so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
