you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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