I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
