I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
My life is pants optional.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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