i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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