im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize