I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
