apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
