Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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