i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
