You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
