I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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