I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
