I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
