One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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