I just made out with a guy for $7.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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