Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
