Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
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