I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
