dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
We are all done wearing pants today
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
