I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Boobs are out for the taking
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
