There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize