is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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