Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
