It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
