Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
