The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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