I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
