She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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