He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
