Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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