Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
operation have a gay friend backfired
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize