We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry š¬
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Iām gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a ābrilliantā idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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