I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Randomize