He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
