I faked an abortion last night.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I have tasted many bathrooms
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Randomize
