Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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