i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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