From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Randomize
