I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
