I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
