My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
