Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
