when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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