alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
