I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
