he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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