can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
