How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize