Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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