i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i would punch a child for taco bell
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize