So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
