I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
