So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Houston, we have a squirter
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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