me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
don't judge my taste in strippers
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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