did you get engaged???
I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
