Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
