Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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