this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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