You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
